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Dear Dr. Ron,

Whenever I visit my son I notice that he and his wife scream at each other in front of my grandkids who are 8 and 10 years old.  I don’t want to be the hated mother-in-law but I know in my heart that this is not right for the kids.  What should I do?

Never Too Old To Learn

 

Dear NTOTL,

When parents have intense arguments in front of their kids, their actions have an adverse effect on the kids whether screams or deadly silence fills the air.  Kids can benefit watching their parents disagreeing and then lovingly find a middle ground, but heated nasty arguments are never beneficial and they need to stop.

You did not mention if your husband accompanies you.  Perhaps if he does, he can have a man-to-man talk with his son about the appropriate way to treat a woman, especially in front of their children.  You, as a loving mom, can also let both these parents know that throwing tantrums in front of their own kids is abusive.  They may not be happy to hear the truth, but your job as a mother is never over!  Parenting is never easy- not at any age.

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Dear Dr. Ron,

My 14-year-old daughter falls in “love” every other week. How do I explain to her what love really is? 

        Nancy

 

Dear Nancy,

Learning to love is a part of the adolescent process.  

Teens crave excitement of any kind to relieve boredom.  The short lived “infatuations” or “crushes” with the resulting racing heart, shortness of breath, sweaty hands and the feeling that you are moving in slow motion provides kids the intense thrill they seek.  

Infatuation is instant desire with unrealistic expectation of blissful passion.  The problem is that infatuation is typically accompanied by insecurity, fear and suspicion of infidelity because there is a lack of loyalty or commitment- two things that require experience and time to fully develop.

Love on the other hand is a friendship that has caught sexual fire. Love is a dynamic process that changes and grows as individuals share emotions, dreams, values, goals and concerns.  True love brings out the best in people with its trust, understanding, giving and mature acceptance of imperfection.  Real lovers enjoy each others company without feeling the need to posses or control the other person.

Living with a crush can be a wonderful and magical time or painful and torturous if it’s allowed to override common sense.  Allow your teen to enjoy the rollercoaster ride, but help them avoid making impulsive and irrational choices that would be a detriment to their well being, such as early sexual activity or haphazardly changing all their habits and schedules to satisfy a crush and not spoil the fantasy .  Point out that school work, true friendships and long standing extra-curricular activities are more important and must be maintained in high standards for the duration of the crush.  A crush will likely disappear as quickly as it began but true joy and satisfaction that comes from fulfilling real life responsibilities is timeless.

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Dear Dr. Ron,

I hope that you can help me.  My kids love their grandmother but hate visiting her now that she’s in a nursing home. Should I make them go anyway?

Confused Mom


 

Dear Confused Mom,

Absolutely, they are just visiting your mother’s new “home”.  There is no reason to deprive your kids of your mother’s love and learned wisdom.  Besides, the delight a child brings to a senior and a grandparent provides a kid is a special joy that needs to be encouraged.  Many view aging as a communicable disease- it’s not.  Growing old is a privilege!

Kids need to develop an increased sensitivity about senior issues such as reduced mobility, loss of hearing and other physical impairments.  There is nothing to protect them in this situation.

A fear of the unknown is the most common reason kids avoid visiting a nursing home.  Help them conquer their fears by preparing your children for the experience by explaining to them that it is perfectly natural for them to feel some apprehension of the unfamiliar medical equipment, smells or sounds and that some residents may be eager to interact with them while others may not.  Tell your kids not to be alarmed if a resident asks to hold their hand for a moment, there is no danger but can be comforting for both.  Teach them to say “thank you” and smile if they are complimented by your mother’s neighbor.

Answer all their questions honestly so they will not think you’re trying to hide something from them in order to protect them- they will only become more fearful.  Give brief and simple explanations, avoid long lectures that will probably bore or confuse them.

One fear that all kids share is that you, the parent, will die.  Address this honestly by telling them that yes, one day you will die, but you are taking all the necessary steps to remain healthy and stay alive for many years to see them all grown up perhaps with kids of their own someday.

Children go through a series of stages in their understanding of death and by age nine they realize that all things die.  Teens begin to work on developing philosophical views about the meaning of life and death and their own mortality.

When talking with our kids about death, many of us feel uncomfortable because we don’t have all the answers.  Remember, while not all our answers may be comforting, as parents we need to share what we truly believe and clear up any misconceptions and fears.  We need to teach our kids that death is a part of life.

If your child has a short attention span, keep the visits short.  If you are planning to spend extra time with your mom, make sure to provide your kids activities to keep them occupied and entertained.  Perhaps they can play bingo or paint and draw with one of the other residents.  The interaction might bring out the creativity in both and will definitely provide lasting memories and enjoyment of the visit. 

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Dear Dr. Ron,

I am 16 years old and I am always being pressured to have sex.  If a guy pressures me I just dump him but I am beginning to feel like a prude just saying “No” to sex.  I am not going to have sex until I am older but can you suggest any good lines that I can use?

Grinding my teeth in Miami


 

Dear Grinding,

I am glad to hear that you are waiting to be in a committed adult relationship before you become sexually active.  The best line is “No!” but I can understand how some guys will just keeping pushing trying to coerce you to change your mind.  So here are some possible lines:

“You will need to ask my mother and dad first.”
“Women in my family get pregnant easy, are you ready to raise a child?”
“I am so nervous, I think I am going to throw up.”
“Is that a herpes blister on my lip?”
“I feel nauseas”

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Dear Dr. Ron,

My daughter wants to have surgery to make her nose smaller and narrower.  My husband and I think she’s beautiful the way she is.  And anyway, she’s only fourteen.  Should we take her request seriously?

                           Susan, Milwaukee

 

Dear Susan,

No.  In the case of minors, you should consider cosmetic surgery only if there is true disfigurement, such as severe acne, scars from trauma or disproportionately large ears that cause non stop ridicule.  

Today’s media use airbrushed or computer enhanced images to portray the idealized unrealistic beauty that many teens falsely believe is attainable with plastic surgery.  As a society we have become more accepting of cosmetic enhancements, and there is a lot of pressure on young people today to look good.  Being a teen is hard enough, but these media messages make plastic surgery an extremely emotional issue for malleable teens looking for quick solutions to their “growing pains”.  It sounds as if your daughter, just as most teens today, views plastic surgery as a quick way to look like a movie star or model and fit in better with her peers.  It is up to you

Have a discussion with your daughter and discuss the fact that almost all teens (and many adults) are self-conscious about their bodies and the changes that are occurring and often wish they can change a thing or two about their bodies.  Due to multiple “reality shows”, many think that surgery will be a quick fix.  It will not.  Unlike shows on TV, cosmetic surgery is unlikely to change her life, it will not even guarantee a date for the prom.

Explain to your daughter that her body will continue to change through the teen years. Body parts that might appear too large or too small now can become more proportionate over time. Her nose may appear to be big now, but remind that her nose will most likely be the right size as the growth of the rest of her face catches to her nose.  Help her appreciate her individual uniqueness and abilities to her improve her poor self esteem and low self image.  If she wants a “different look” consider a new hairstyle, a new wardrobe or other positive growth and changes such as martial arts to help her feel more confident.  Stay strong and don’t let her fall into the Peer Pressure Plastics Pitt.

If you decide to let your daughter get plastic surgery, make sure to find what I refer to as an “operating psychiatrist”.  Find a good plastic surgeon who will talk to your daughter to try to get at the root of why she wants to change her looks.  A good surgeon can convince most teens that they do not need surgery and should wait until they are older, to avoid making a mistake that may not be correctible.

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Dear Dr. Ron,

I have a 14 year old son who shared with me that his 14 year old friend told him that he has been smoking pot with his younger 13 year old brother.  I explained to my son that we need to inform the parents but he got mad at me and told me that he would never share anything with me again if I snitched on his friend.  I didn’t call the parents because I don’t want my son to feel that he can’t trust me with information.  Did I do the right thing? 

                    Confused Mom in Baltimore

 

Dear Confused,

By the mere fact that you are asking the question, you already know in your heart that you made the wrong decision.  You are not really confused, you just need some guidance.

You need to explain to your son that when we are confronted with life and serious issues it would be immoral not to intervene.  As an example, if his friend tells him that he is depressed and contemplating suicide, your son needs to inform an adult of the situation to get his friend immediate help.  Now smoking pot may not be a life or death issue but it is still an issue that requires some adult intervention.  His friend is a minor who is off track and is hurting his younger brother as well.  Now if your son wants to remain a coward and behave like a young boy, you can choose to give the information to the child’s parents anonymously by just calling and giving them the information and advising them to have their kids tested for drugs.

Now the real lesson that your son needs to learn is that the time has come for him to stop being a boy and become an honorable man.  Boys are scarred that their friend will never talk to them again.  A man understands that a true friend would know and respect his values and would not share with him information that would put him in a moral predicament.  His friend is not a true friend he is a playmate that can be easily replaced.

This is one of those life moments that helps a boy mature towards becoming a man.  Help your son grow up.